I know when I begin to lock myself away from people, there’s something wrong. A balance that is missing or weight that only comes from not finishing what you start, or said you would anyway. I know that when I don’t want to open my arms and welcome people that there is something going on.

This blog lay dormant from Friday to Monday. That never happens here. This place is usually packed with sharing from daylight to dark. An opening for the loving of people. And that, is something that isn’t right. Where I went, where it went I’m not sure. I know it never stays gone for long, but in the silence, I worry. Silence breeds nothing but time for It to creep in.

I write posts and save them. I write others and delete them. I report on life in quippy one liners on social media. There’s no depth about it. No real. No me. I fade a little.  And so today I bundle myself up and get brave. And say it, as it is, in the hopes that it does what it always does and disappears it. Reduces the wave of feeling to nothing so I can create something.

I’m writing because it all feels like it is falling and this is the only way I know how to bring it back. I write because life is hard work some days, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it is. I question myself, my choices and abilities in a way that only undermines everything I have. I wonder if my questions are even real. Or if it’s back. I blame myself, and It, for the negative track that runs in my head at the moment. You can’t. You won’t. You never do. 

It’s posts like these I don’t even edit. I don’t read them once they are done. They are an outpouring, a purging of all that is negative and ugly. Ugly. Like a darkness of someone un-saveable. It flows through and out of me and I pray that none of it sticks to you as I rid myself of it. Life’s good. And sometimes, I destroy it. Usually for a moment. Sometimes I am all that stands between myself and everything. Sometimes a post like this is the only way to pull that wall down.

In fact in moment like these, when I come to the end of a purge like this. I know. It’s in the sharing that I live my life. That it’s in the opening of my heart and my love. It’s in the expressing what it is like for me that makes me smile and my day feel lighter. I think that’s the point. The point of speaking. Of sharing. Of loving.

And as I always say, it’s not the ones talking {or in this case blogging} that you should worry about.

Worry about those that are silent. 

Tagged on:
  • Madmother

    I know exactly what you are saying.

    When a regular voice is silent, think about why.

    xx

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Agreed. xo

  • http://www.newlifeontheroad.com/ Lisa Wood

    Gosh that is so straight from the heart. Its beautiful.

    I can so relate to all of it…i always say (about our boys) that its the quiet ones we have to worry about..the loud ones let me know what they are up to, or doing, or into (like it when they are loud!!)

    Take care – hope you feel more at ease now that you wrote.

    Cheers
    Lisa

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thank you Lisa. I do feel more than relieved after writing.

  • Kim

    Know that you are loved, supported, cared for & most importantly wanted!! Through the good, bad, gorgeous & horrid we want you in our lives & worry when you are quiet & not around. Big loud, can’t breath, tears down your cheeks belly laughs to you xxx

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thank you Kim. Laughs, ah yes, belly laughs, my favourites!

  • http://mrsbcshouseofchaos.blogspot.com/ Mrs BC

    I feel ya, Georgous. Totally. Hope you feel better after that purge. Now, go treat yourself with a proper coffee & start listing all of your awesome achievements!
    Hugs
    xx

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thanks Mrs BC. Treating myself as we speak. Great advice.

  • http://www.sydneyshopgirl.com Sydney Shop Girl

    Melissa

    You mean so much to all of us here in blogland in the world at large.

    Thinking of you.

    SSG xxx

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thank you SSG. That means a lot. xo

  • http://myshoeboxlife.com Shelley

    Sending you much love. xx

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thank you Shelley. :)

  • http://www.sheribomb.com.au Sheri Bomb

    I was feeling like this last week.

    The weekend just gone has been restorative.

    Take some time to be good to yourself and try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

    Sending big big love. You know where I am if you need to talk xx

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thanks Sheri. My weekend was mad, I should have had a weekend like yours. :)

  • Veronica

    hugs…great post. smile. xo.

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thanks Veronica. :)

  • http://waituntilthesunset.blogspot.com Olivia (waituntilthesunset)

    never stop sharing. we love you.
    xxxxxxx

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thanks Liv. I don’t plan too.

  • http://tessiedesigncompany.blogspot.com.au/ Gillian

    I hear you and I understand how u feel as I have often felt the same. Sometimes, It’s all just too fricking hard. I’m sending you lots of positive energy across the intergoogle x

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Sorry to hear that. It sucks. Thanks Gillian. xo

  • http://river-driftingthroughlife.blogspot.com river

    I assumed you were busy living your life…are you okay? Anything I can do?

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      I am ok, thanks. And no I don’t need anything. Just this space to be able to write in and be so lovingly accepted. I’m a lucky girl indeed.

  • http://myvintagevow.blogspot.com.au/ My Vintage Vow

    Oh honey, big cuddles.

    In times like these and believe me I’ve had them, if the best you can do is lay in love, faith, trust and hope that others have or you, you will be all the better for it.

    Take time find your centre, maybe you’re ready for a new centre iykwim? Just go easy, just go with love.

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thanks Trudie, I believe you. I feel a bit crap that you need to rally me. And know that I appreciate it. Big time. I’m not sure I do know what you mean by finding a new centre. But someday soon, I’ll have you elaborate.