Have you found yourself wondering? This time?

Have your ever found yourself wondering why the heck you do the things you do? Why is it that you find yourself night after night staring at the same pile of work to be done and never doing it. Why do you eat foods that make your body feel bad and miss the gym when the opposite makes you feel so good. Why do you make the choices you do and end up where you end up time and time again.

Have you ever wondered that?

I sit here tonight dealing with something that is the direct result of not having done what I should have done years ago. It hangs over my head in a way that makes me a little sick in the stomach thinking of the time it will take to move through and past it. I look over at Hubby and I can see that his reaction is the same. We are annoyed at ourselves for letting things drag out. Annoyed that we didn’t meet our commitments where we should have.

And it all leads to one thing…

This determination to pull back hard, clean up the mess and get on with things. Grateful that we are healthy, strong and loved. In love even. Strengthen by the opportunity to once again stand side by side and declare ourselves. All of a sudden the idea that we needed a Vegas wedding to reaffirm our vows seems ridiculous. We do it here and now and get ready.

I don’t want you to worry out there. I’m writing this as a sign post in our lives, a reminder that when things need to be done, they need to be done. I wonder if future me will read these words, nod and smile because she learnt that lesson that one time or not. Will this history repeat itself as I sit wondering or will I be cured of all things procrastination and self-sabotage, sitting atop the world filled with glee?

The middle ground of the two is the answer, I assume. After all, I’m 31 years old now surely some of these lessons I have been learning, the choices I make that don’t serve me and the rest will start to drop away sometime soon. The time has to be now, don’t you think? It worries me a little how often I stumble and fall on my face as a grown up, the craziest part is I thought I’d be done with such things by now.

I thought I’d be serene, graceful, accepting…

Then I find myself wondering if those things are really all they are cracked up to be or if a life lived awkwardly, filled with stumbles is perhaps the more charming life to lead. More fulfilling and fun. It certainly contains more ups and downs. A life lived, filled with challenges and obstacles. And failures too, of course.

This life I live now, free from the serene gracefulness I long for it allows more time for wondering too, I suppose. A favourite pastime of mine. A skill I thought I’d lost with the presence of so many flicking screens. But it turns out I can still wonder when I allow myself the time. I can still wonder when all is quiet and the blip of the screen is sleeping.

Maybe that’s what it is all about.

Hmmm. I wonder.

image from Unsplash. 

  • 26 Years & Counting

    I think we all have those things. I’m so very far from expert on this but the way I try to think about it is that if I still feel sick from it (physically, mentally, whatever) it means even though I think I’ve learned a lesson, I haven’t absorbed it yet. Or i know it in my gut but haven’t reconciled it mentally (or vice versa).

    • I hear you, that happens to me. Thanks for taking the time to make me not feel alone lovely.

  • Trudie Bristow

    Yes I’m another in the boat who believes these patterns cycle around in our lives because there is still a lesson the learn. I believe the universe will get louder in it’s messages to you, us, whoever until the message is received. I’m such a strong believer in past bad energies especially if they are engines that have carried pain, hurt, disappoint, sadness, heartbreak, anger, jealously, resentment affecting our progression forwards in life. The point is to just keep getting out there and trying with whatever it is even if it’s the millionth time and just believing anything possible. Who gives a shit about setbacks, failures or detours they’re all just opportunities to try again or find another way.

    • Ahhh the cycle of it all. This is a lesson I am determined to LEARN and learn it good, let me tell you. Thanks for your comment lady, it almost makes me feel good about all the faceplants. 😉

  • Emma Hinchliff

    I’ve been thinking the same thing quite a lot lately. I plan, but never plan well enough to follow through quite the way I had planned or I find myself doing the things that give me immediate joy, over the ones I have to work harder to achieve.

    • I hear you Em, loud and clear. SO loud and clear. Let’s try hard to not do that, ok? I’d really like that.

      • Emma Hinchliff

        Let’s! I have had 2 whole weeks to think about where my life is headed and I need to take hold of it right now and make everything happen! So sick of just going through the motions!

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