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Have you ever found yourself wondering why the heck you do the things you do? Why do you find yourself staring at the same pile of work to be done and never doing it? Why do you eat foods that make your body feel bad and miss the gym when the opposite makes you feel so good? Why do you make the choices you do and end up where you end up time and time again?

Have you ever wondered about that?

I sit here tonight dealing with something that is the direct result of not doing what I should have done years ago. It hangs over my head, making me a little sick in the stomach, thinking of the time it will take to move through and past it. I look over at Hubby, and I see his reaction is the same. We are annoyed at ourselves for letting things drag out and that we didn’t meet our commitments where we should have.

And it all leads to one thing…

This determination to pull back hard, clean up the mess and get on with things. Grateful that we are healthy, strong and loved. In love even. Strengthen by the opportunity to stand side by side once again and declare ourselves. Suddenly, the idea that we needed a Vegas wedding to reaffirm our vows seemed ridiculous. We do it here and now and get ready.

It would help if you didn’t worry out there. I’m writing this as a signpost in our lives, a reminder that when things need to be done, they need to be done. I wonder if the future me will read these words, nod and smile because she learnt that lesson that one time or not. Will this history repeat itself as I sit wondering, or will I be cured of all things procrastination and self-sabotage, sitting atop the world filled with glee?

The middle ground of the two is the answer, I assume. After all, I’m 31 years old now. Indeed some of these lessons I have been learning, the choices I make that don’t serve me, and the rest will start to drop away sometime soon. The time has to be now. It worries me a little how often I stumble and fall on my face as a grown-up; the craziest part is I thought I’d be done with such things by now.

I thought I’d be serene, graceful, accepting…

Then I wonder if those things are all they are cracked up to be or if a life lived awkwardly, filled with stumbles, is perhaps the more precious life to lead. More fulfilling and fun. It indeed contains more ups and downs. A life lived filled with challenges and obstacles. And failures, too, of course.

This life I live now, free from the serene gracefulness I long for, allows more time for wondering, too, I suppose. A favourite pastime of mine. A skill I thought I’d lost with the presence of so many flicking screens. But I can still wonder when I allow myself the time. I can still wonder when all is quiet, and the blip of the screen is sleeping.

Maybe that’s what it is all about.

Hmmm. I wonder.

Image from Unsplash.Β 

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