Have you found yourself wondering? This time?

Have your ever found yourself wondering why the heck you do the things you do? Why is it that you find yourself night after night staring at the same pile of work to be done and never doing it. Why do you eat foods that make your body feel bad and miss the gym when the opposite makes you feel so good. Why do you make the choices you do and end up where you end up time and time again.

Have you ever wondered that?

I sit here tonight dealing with something that is the direct result of not having done what I should have done years ago. It hangs over my head in a way that makes me a little sick in the stomach thinking of the time it will take to move through and past it. I look over at Hubby and I can see that his reaction is the same. We are annoyed at ourselves for letting things drag out. Annoyed that we didn’t meet our commitments where we should have.

And it all leads to one thing…

This determination to pull back hard, clean up the mess and get on with things. Grateful that we are healthy, strong and loved. In love even. Strengthen by the opportunity to once again stand side by side and declare ourselves. All of a sudden the idea that we needed a Vegas wedding to reaffirm our vows seems ridiculous. We do it here and now and get ready.

I don’t want you to worry out there. I’m writing this as a sign post in our lives, a reminder that when things need to be done, they need to be done. I wonder if future me will read these words, nod and smile because she learnt that lesson that one time or not. Will this history repeat itself as I sit wondering or will I be cured of all things procrastination and self-sabotage, sitting atop the world filled with glee?

The middle ground of the two is the answer, I assume. After all, I’m 31 years old now surely some of these lessons I have been learning, the choices I make that don’t serve me and the rest will start to drop away sometime soon. The time has to be now, don’t you think? It worries me a little how often I stumble and fall on my face as a grown up, the craziest part is I thought I’d be done with such things by now.

I thought I’d be serene, graceful, accepting…

Then I find myself wondering if those things are really all they are cracked up to be or if a life lived awkwardly, filled with stumbles is perhaps the more charming life to lead. More fulfilling and fun. It certainly contains more ups and downs. A life lived, filled with challenges and obstacles. And failures too, of course.

This life I live now, free from the serene gracefulness I long for it allows more time for wondering too, I suppose. A favourite pastime of mine. A skill I thought I’d lost with the presence of so many flicking screens. But it turns out I can still wonder when I allow myself the time. I can still wonder when all is quiet and the blip of the screen is sleeping.

Maybe that’s what it is all about.

Hmmm. I wonder.

image from Unsplash.