For a while now I haven’t posted about our TTC path {don’t you hate when people say journey!? I do, sometimes. So I don’t}. It’s not because having children is now off the agenda. No way. It’s still very much part of the plan. And in a way it felt like I was opening myself up for public discussion and opinion by posting here. That is, I think, the flip side of all the wonderful support and comments I have received.

But it’s coming up to that time when the baby boom that was a few years ago enters phase two. Couples are heading back for second, third and even fifth helpings. Not that I blame them, I’d always imagined we’d have at least two or three kids. But it starts to sting again. Peels open the wound.

And chucks a little lemon on it for good measure.

We had put additional, assistance based things on hold while we planned for Italy. Perhaps that was a mistake. I don’t know. But it seemed like a good idea to put it all on the back burner until 2012. Now, in some ways it feels like a waste. Like here we are again. With nothing to show for another year. My new Doctor is confident in the plan of attack for the new year. I find that comforting as bit by bit my confidence, if not my faith and hope have slipped.

Did you know that I gave up smoking almost three years ago to have a baby? The devil on my shoulder tells me that it was pointless as I have one now and again with more and more regularity. I also cleaned out a room and set up insurance and Medicare cards and took vitamins. Can you imagine how depressing it is to take pregnancy multi-vitamins for almost three years without a single viable pregnancy?

Before you answer that, if you’ve never done it, you don’t know. Let me tell you.

So here we are, in the same place, with similar jobs and similar bank accounts and the very same stamps in our passports. Nothing to show for another year. Except of course the wonder that is us and our ever growing and changing relationship. I will never treat that as anything but wonderful and satisfying and a miracle of communication and dedication. But it occurred to me the other day that we haven’t had cause for a professional photographer for six and a half years! Photographers are for families moving forward. Engagements, wedding, belly shots, family portraits.

Our family is frozen in time. Suspended. Waiting. And now you know.