For a while now I haven’t posted about our TTC path {don’t you hate when people say journey!? I do, sometimes. So I don’t}. It’s not because having children is now off the agenda. No way. It’s still very much part of the plan. And in a way it felt like I was opening myself up for public discussion and opinion by posting here. That is, I think, the flip side of all the wonderful support and comments I have received.

But it’s coming up to that time when the baby boom that was a few years ago enters phase two. Couples are heading back for second, third and even fifth helpings. Not that I blame them, I’d always imagined we’d have at least two or three kids. But it starts to sting again. Peels open the wound.

And chucks a little lemon on it for good measure.

We had put additional, assistance based things on hold while we planned for Italy. Perhaps that was a mistake. I don’t know. But it seemed like a good idea to put it all on the back burner until 2012. Now, in some ways it feels like a waste. Like here we are again. With nothing to show for another year. My new Doctor is confident in the plan of attack for the new year. I find that comforting as bit by bit my confidence, if not my faith and hope have slipped.

Did you know that I gave up smoking almost three years ago to have a baby? The devil on my shoulder tells me that it was pointless as I have one now and again with more and more regularity. I also cleaned out a room and set up insurance and Medicare cards and took vitamins. Can you imagine how depressing it is to take pregnancy multi-vitamins for almost three years without a single viable pregnancy?

Before you answer that, if you’ve never done it, you don’t know. Let me tell you.

So here we are, in the same place, with similar jobs and similar bank accounts and the very same stamps in our passports. Nothing to show for another year. Except of course the wonder that is us and our ever growing and changing relationship. I will never treat that as anything but wonderful and satisfying and a miracle of communication and dedication. But it occurred to me the other day that we haven’t had cause for a professional photographer for six and a half years! Photographers are for families moving forward. Engagements, wedding, belly shots, family portraits.

Our family is frozen in time. Suspended. Waiting. And now you know. 

  • Danimezza

    I want to embrace you, wrap every vitamin in pretty red ribbon and take your loved up couple photos x

  • My Vintage Vow

    I just want to send you love and hugs. Whatever path you are on in life it is alway hard waiting to find out where that path is going to lead you. X

  • Madmother

    Nothing to add but love to you.xx

  • Aneets

    I really hope that 2012 is your year. x

  • I think you and Kel should plan a special photo shoot just for you. Why because your not frozen your still moving and one day you will look back, the days before things change and remember this time. The good and the bad 🙂

  • I so know, darl. You know.Have a pre-serious-TTC photo shoot. No reason you should miss out!I know how you feel about being suspended though. I don't think I have any DINK couples left…

  • You just keep moving forward on that path, piano piano! You have such heart Melissa there just has to be a little soul heading your way. Sending you a super squishy hug cause I know nothing else will come close! xxxx

  • Talia

    I really don't know how you feel, and I honestly wish you didn't know the feeling either. xoCan you just go on a holiday somewhere else? Something crazy and last minute and WTF like?

  • Sheri Bomb

    I think photography is for capturing beauty. And you two are beautiful. So you definately have cause.Onwards and upwards my dear. xoxo

  • You know I know.Read Djomi Child.Sometimes you do need to be still to let things in. xx

  • I dont think you can say you've wasted the year – you've set up a business, left one job and started another, been to 2 blog conferences, met some amazing people ( that i wish i could meet! ) and you've inspired at least this one little person to be happpier and more self-confident. If that isnt a productive year, i dont know what is!I say bring on 2012 and as much possible baby making as you can stand!

  • You know how I know all of this….Thank you again for your honesty in sharing how this really feels at time. From all of us.SSG xxx

  • Zoe

    I think what Dani said sums up the whole photography thing well.. Capture what you have, and thats a loving family.. One day you may have children that want to look back at Mum and Dad before they were born and have a laugh! Good luck in the new year.. Fingers are crossed as tight as they go for you xxxxxxxxps.. This year wasnt completely wasted.. You did meet me!! 😉

  • •´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´•

    I know too and it truly sucks .A journey , yes I'll call it that , it took us a long time to get to other side but I still remember and I am thinking of you. You haven't reached your destination yet.Take your special photo and look with hope to 2012.

  • I hope with ALL of my heart that 2012 is your big year, and if not 2012, it will certainly be 2013! Remember, it is never a waste to take care of yourself. When we were first married, my husband's sis had a son with spina bifida, so not only have I taken prenatals for 12 years, but also extra folic acid. Sometimes it seems so hopeless when you don't see the results right away, but when those genetic scans come in and they show you that there are no neural tube defects because you did that insane pill regiment, all of that craziness and sadness melts away. I have faith and hope for you! Faith is a gift from God, so if you don't have enough, just ask Him for more! He wants this for you, I know he does!!!

  • i refer to it as our ttc journey because honestly, 11 years, it HAS been a journey, a rough bumpy rocky one."nothing to show for another year""photographers are for families moving forward"i SO get both of those statements, more so the second one and it's a feeling i get every year when our anniversary rolls around and i see what others have got to show for x years of marriage and look at us, just us two.i say go and have photographs taken just for you, to celebrate getting to the end of the year because so many haven't and you HAVE achieved a LOT this year, so don't think otherwise.~x~

  • Amy@MyLifeasaCake

    This post has been in the back of my mind for days. I want to just reach through the screen and give you a massive hug, because I just can't express anything in words that's not full of platitudes and crap you've heard for years. Hoping that one day you'll look back on these posts and it will just be a painful, distant memory.

  • i feel the same x