This was a conversation that I started on Instagram yesterday. It needed to be continued, so here we are. I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube lately; tutorials, workshops and loads and loads of LadyLike (by Buzzfeed). Inspired by the people there and their willingness to give it a go, I thought I’d grab some video while snapping an outfit photo in my office…
Well well well.
Wasn’t that interesting. You see you can fake defined jaws and chiselled features in a photo but there’s no tricking a video camera. Not from that angle anyway. There’s certainly no hiding when you start talking or moving around. It freaked me out, to be honest. Why?
Firstly, I knew I’d put on weight and I’ve talked about that here. But I hadn’t really seen it before, now I could and it was RIGHT THERE. Confronting for someone who has spent their life trying to be smaller and still goes up against those voices sometimes. Which I do. Sometimes I think people believe I am ‘cured’ of my negative voices. Believe me, I’m not sure cured is actually a thing. It’s something I deal with and continue to deal with, on a daily basis.
And secondly, because I cared so much about the first, I spent a serious amount of time berating myself for not being thinner. Then from there, I spent double THAT amount of time berating myself for berating myself for not being thinner, smaller, fitter, lighter. Sigh.
I’m hard work sometimes.
But, I know that that’s the way it goes some days. That you’re not always going to feel yourself or be kind to yourself. Some days you have to just do what you can today and hope for more (or better) tomorrow. That’s what this is about. It’s to say to you if you’re having one of those days or moments, that you don’t have to deal with it now. You don’t have to do or be anything but what you are.
The more I get to know myself and the way the conversation in my head goes, the easier it is to cut it off at the pass. When I find myself criticising my chins or acne scars. If I can’t handle my pores or the way my eye gets lazy when I’m tired. All of the conversation going on there is judgemental and I have to acknowledge that; I’m doing it again. I’m doing that thing that I don’t want to do.
Being someone I don’t want to be.
Sometimes it takes focusing on the parts of my face or body that I do like. Sort of a misdirection sort of thing. But it’s all tricks and games, right? Telling yourself that you have flaws that should be hidden while others are played up only works for a while. It’s changing that whole conversation that needs to happen. Which, as we found out on Instagram, is easier said than done. And not just for me.
The awesome Theresa put it best for me (hello, teachable moment!) when she said “When I get confronted with my size I’m just like ” but that’s you girl…that’s your body” and then I move on”. I mean, doesn’t that just give you a good hard case of the nods. So good. Simple, without judgement on yourself, totally possible. It’s going to be my new mantra. Watch this space.