I was reading that post above on the Seven Cherubs facebook wall about the old ‘What, don’t you have a TV’ comment that people toss around for those with large families {though some ladies with two children had been asked the same thing. What? That doesn’t even make sense}. It got me thinking of all the assumptions people make when you have been married for 8 years and haven’t had children. Which are particularly hard to swallow with grace when you’ve been trying for children for a good portion of that time.

I thought you might be interested in hearing them so you can cringe with me too;

  • Best you get on with that, you’re running out of time! Tick tock.
  • I don’t know WHY you wouldn’t want children, they are god’s gift to women!
  • You’ll be sorry if you don’t have any.
  • Are you worried about your career?
  • you need to stop being so selfish, your parents want grandchildren one day {thank goodness for Dean Boy}

But the trying to conceive ones are even worse!

  • You should just enjoy your husband {cough, you lot are guilty of this one} and forget about it.
  • You know you have a better chance of falling pregnant if you don’t plan it?
  • Enjoyed the process more, it’s the journey, not the destination
  • What, is Hubby shooting blanks?
  • You probably waited to long, how old ARE you?

So there you go, the old saying holds true. When you assume, you make an ass out of you and ME! Whether it’s about babies, marriage, weight loss, families, friends or pregnant belly humour. There are only two things you can safely assume that you’re never as funny or helpful as you think you are and that if people wanted your advice they’d ask you.

Now, Naomi, should I get rid of my TV, will that help? 😛

  • Danielle Andreoli

    We joke here in Nebo that we all got knocked up at the same time because there was nothing on tv. The truth is..we all just got drunk at the bowls club too many times and let our husbands have too much fun.

    Perhaps you should do a trial. A month without no tv. Can you do it?

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Haha. The bowlsie did it! You bowls sluts. 😛

  • seasidechik

    OMG I hate those! I get the “Two BOYS???? (*insert smerk here*)… Didn’t you want a girl? Much nicer, you know, someone to play with!” Yes, because I can’t have fun playing with my sons, who are wonderful, despite the presence of a penis! When we were trying for our second, we had more than a couple of people tell me it would be easier if I lost a little weight. You know, because overweight people *never* have children….

    I can’t see why people can’t just keep their comments to themselves :/

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Agreed! People are just trying to be helpful or funny or something. But it’s crap if it gets you on a bad day, for sure!

    • Melissa

      I get that one too! I’m now a single parent & I replied “Sure, I’d love to, but I need a man first.” The lady who asked if I was going to try for a girl next didn’t know where to look, she turned a wonderful shade of red 🙂

      • Melissa Walker Horn

        Baaahaha. People are kind of nuts.

  • People who say these stupid comments only make an Ass of themselves, not you. I find comments like this so rude, I’m happy to fight fire with fire (so to speak) & be just as rude back, to put them in thier place. Rude people who assume because there is a 12 year gap between my eldest 2, I must have been remarried or had medical problems. Rude people who exclaim ‘3 ceasars? Are you too posh to push?’. Or the one I hate the most – assuming my children have different fathers because they have different coloured hair. My mother in law asked this, to which I replied “Oh how would I know? You know me, I never look at their faces’. Which shut her up.
    xx

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Haha. Of course you would! I adore you. This is just what I needed to hear. 😉

    • seasidechik

      The different coloured hair! That has got me so many times. My oldest has tan skin, dark hair and dark stormy ocean blue eyes. My youngest is Irish white with white blonde hair and ice blue eyes. A lady stopped me in the Centro once and asked me how I found the Australian Adoption process. Was it difficult? Having to wait for a baby that isn’t yours anyway? She said! By golly! I had no idead what to say to her! I kind of blerted out a “No, no they both came from my body” and walked off dumfounded!

      • Melissa Walker Horn

        OMG that is SO random! Such a MASSIVE assumption.

      • Natalie

        My dad is south american and my mum is well, Light brown hair and blue eyes, I look like my dads mum, and while shopping with mum one day I was asked if I was adopted. 

        • Melissa Walker Horn

          Curiosity killed the cat. That’s what came to mind when I heard this. I can only imagine they have an interest in adoption and were trying to get some info. But seriously, Hi Stranger, are you adopted? Weird.

  • Hereiamloulou

    Oh yes, the “good intention” spreaders with their comments.
    I “try” to never assume anymore – I’ve had enough Assume-ers of late with me.
    and if people can’t say a nice thing they shouldn’t say anything at all.

    I agree whole hearted with Seasidechik – “why can’t people keep their comments to themselves”?

    have a lovely day Miss Melissa

    Loulou

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      It’s pretty good practice, the never assume thing. I think there are assumers everywhere, most of us hit one every now and then.

      Thanks Lisa, I had a fab day!

  • Melissa

    I had a friend who used to reply “We can’t have children!” and watch the rude person squirm. It shut them up VERY quickly.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I do a version of that now. Well, I’m doing my best, three years and counting. Smile sweetly and wait for the well, err, awkward, errr, all the best. Heehee. MEAN! But SO fun. 

  • Modernmummymayhem

    Assumptions and labels … Tut tut … They are the biggest show of big mouth no brains in this world.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Haha. Yes, that.

  • Danimezza

    If I start a proper response to this I wont stop… enough said xx

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Enough said indeed. xo

  • Sevencherubs

    RUDE. The End.
    P.S: Keep the TV my friend xx
    P.P.S: Thanks for the mention xxx

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Haha. You’re welcome. xo

  • I don’t know what to say. I never got any of those remarks because I popped out the four of them pretty quickly and got two “pigeon pairs” too. Girl/boy, followed by girl/boy.

  • Psych Babbler

    You can’t win in this world. If you have many kids, people will judge. If you have two kids, people will ask why you don’t have more. If you have none, people will judge. If you are single, people will judge you for being too career-minded or not wanting to see your parents happy [in the case of yours truly]. If you are married, they will judge you for not having kids soon enough! When will it end??? When we eventually die, I suppose! Drives me nuts when people make assumptions. 

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      It’s so true. Single, when you getting married, when you’re married when are you having kids, have a kid, when’s the next one, have another one and it’s time to stop. Haha. I think it will end when we die. Maybe.

  • serialstyler

    Hubby & I have been together forever and hoping to start a family in a couple of years. It’s going to be a HUGE step in our lives because we are really just big kids ourselves. Most people I speak to seem to have a positive outlook on having children in your thirties & beyond but many people really don’t try to imagine living with the shoe on the other foot or consider peoples circumstances before they vomit up the first thought & opinion that pops into their head.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Word vomit is exactly what it is. We’ve all done it. Some are more prone than others.

  • Brittonie Wardell

    This make me really really angry. I’m dreading all the questions and assumptions that are bound to come my way when I get married. How I am supposed to say, ‘Oh, I can’t have children because birth will send me into a Psychosis?’ I make a point never to assume, because I would never like people assuming what my life is like.

    If a woman wants and can have seven children, then by all means, go for it. It’s no one’s business what anyone else does.

    People who are rude to you get their own in the end.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      That’s it exactly Britt. We can’t assume we know someone well enough to comment on these things.

      Damn straight, no children or 20. It’s your business.

  • stinkb0mb

    i use to laugh it off, used to avoid the situation and the questions. now tho? now i tackle it head on.

    “do you have children?”
    “no, it’s just me and my husband”
    “oh, are you planning on having them?”
    “no”
    “why not, [insert here any number of phrases to tell me how GREAT motherhood is like oh but children are great, you’ll regret it if you don’t, nothing compares to motherhood]?”
    “because we have white carpet”

    smile. then walk away.

    they. do. not. know. what. to. say. or. do.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Baaahaha. You’re the best Rach. xo

  • Amy (MyLifeAsACake)

    Yep. OBVIOUSLY the reason the reason you are not pregnant is the TV. And the relaxing. And that you don’t take those tablets available to the first 15 callers for only $19.95 including postage. Sheesh. 

    I remember just before we started trying for our second son, I got harassed at a family party about why we weren’t pregnant yet. About how unfair it is for our son to be an only child and how selfish it is to focus on my career. I told him that we were having trouble conceiving, threw up a fake tear, and walked away (about a year later when we had our son, he congratulated me on my ‘miracle’ pregnancy). I wanted to teach him a lesson, even a small one, about being a big mouth on sensitive topics. I get the questions about having girls. My favourite includes the ‘What’s wrong with you, why can’t you have a girl?’ comment. People really need to shut their mouths. 

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I know right? Must give away tv and buy MORE vitamins immediately. Haha.

      People say things without thinking, but then some people are just rude. What’s WRONG with you? Geeezus. Imagine what they’d say to me!

  • Surelysarah

    I am just gobsmacked people actually say those things to your face! How utterly rude!
     

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Some people are crazy, what can I say. I’ve learnt to just stare at them with my eyebrows furrowed. I find the awkward silence ends the conversation well.

  • Char Cerros

    I came back from a short trip to nz last April pregnant and throwing up with all day sickness, our dark skinned 2year old girl suffering travel sickness and throwing up next to me and our olive skinned 5 year old boy sitting in his chair watching a movie. Hubby (el salvadorean)was in Melbourne waiting for us at the airport. While the air hostess were helping me try and calm my 2 year old down one says to me, your children are beautiful – do they all have different fathers? I felt like smacking her lol and just on Sunday I was holding my just turned 4 month old baby when a guy (40+) came and touched my stomach and said, well – what do we have here! Congratulations! I was gobsmacked so I walked away and burst into tears. Ruined my day completely! Some people are just rude and don’t think at all of what they are saying

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Oh gee whiz. These are bad in a bunch of bad ones. Something like that does just ruin your day. Sigh. I always dreamed of dark skinned children with big brown eyes. With a red headed husband, I think I’ll be optimist to continue to dream. 😉

  • Teegs_88

    I love one of my friends response to the ‘don’t you have a tv’. She replies I do that’s why I have four kids, the tv baby sits while my partner and I get it on in the next room lol. Usually shuts them up pretty quick. Dyllan is my one and only by choice. Lots of people make comments about how selfish I am not giving him a sibling to play with. Giving him a sibling to play with would be fine and dandy except it would mean I would have to go off my psych meds and quite possibly end up as an inpatient. I’m sure Dyllan would much prefer his mummy at home with him.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Indeed, I think your situation is a perfect reason why commenting like they have is an assumption. To call you selfish is terrible.

  • Teegs_88

    I love one of my friends response to the ‘don’t you have a tv’. She replies I do that’s why I have four kids, the tv baby sits while my partner and I get it on in the next room lol. Usually shuts them up pretty quick. Dyllan is my one and only by choice. Lots of people make comments about how selfish I am not giving him a sibling to play with. Giving him a sibling to play with would be fine and dandy except it would mean I would have to go off my psych meds and quite possibly end up as an inpatient. I’m sure Dyllan would much prefer his mummy at home with him.

  • Meegan

    Hilarious!!!
    I get the whole, oooh you must have wanted a girl, you went for a third..
    My reply – nope, I actually did not believe I was having a girl until I saw her, minus bits and all! Or, what’s wrong with three boys?? Lol

    And, three!! So when are you having another one???
    To that I always reply NEVEEEEERRRRR!!!

    That usually shuts the person up.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Errr, no. I wanted three kids, but thanks for asking. Awkward. 😉 Haha.

  • anon

    I often get asked if I am going to try again cause I have 3 girls…. it bugs me so much, I am completely happy with 3 girls and it has nothing to do with the sex of the children and all to do with the number of kids we wanted!

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Healthy, happy children, that’s all anyone really wants. Three healthy children, box ticked, moving on. I get that.

  • It could be great if you could do a post on what you’d like for people to say. I think that would be a good read. Because to be honest, I know that I don’t what to say to people who have trouble conceiving, and so I say nothing at all. Or sometimes I open the conversation and just listen.

    I hate that a handful of my friends who are TTC are struggling and it makes me so mad. I have one friend who started trying at the same time I started trying for Lacey, and she is still trying. It makes me so mad I cry. 

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I think I might do just that. It won’t be very long I don’t think, I was pondering this today as I went about it. I’ll let you know how I go.

      It’s heartbreaking. Even going through it my heart breaks for other couples. You, my dear are so lovely. xo

  • Trish

    Exactly I’ve had it all said to me (us) throw in adoption …you can always adopt (we did actually )
    try IVF (yep – thank God it worked when we did 14yrs later) .
    Don’t worry it will happen one day (that too)
    you’re Doing it wrong …Not enough, too often err I bet you know the rest.
    Stand on your head… Funnily enough that never worked.

    I steer clear of everything now .

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I can imagine. Steer clear indeed. 🙂

  • Carly Findlay

    I feel for you – I really do. I hope you will be able to bring a little Suger into the world soon – you will be a brilliant mother.

    I have been thinking about this post for a few days now. I have two experiences to contribute. I also get the stupid assumptions from people – about my appearance. It is hard, and people are stupid. There should be a filter on stupid peoples’ mouths. Friends say the ignorant people are ‘concerned’ but the concern is tiring, and often quite offensive. I really feel for you.

    The second thing, and I was thinking about doing a blog entry about this, is the assumption that I won’t have children. I am 30, single and with a chronic illness. I have not given children much thought.  To be honest, it takes a lot just to look after myself, and there is a 1/4 risk of me passing on this condition, or maybe a 1/8 – I am not sure. Friends and acquaintances don’t raise the topic of me having children – hell, at highschool, a group of girls told me I didn’t need to be involved in a conversation about sex because they thought I’d never have sex. The only time I’ve ever discussed children with my doctor is when talking about new drugs, and there is the risk that they will harm an unborn baby (I don’t want to take these drugs for the fact that they will make me sicker, but my skin look better.). My parents get asked if they have grandchildren, or whether they can expect any. I asked my Dad what he says to people who ask. He told me he says he doesnt think there will be. This saddened me, because, like every woman (well, in the free world), I have a choice. And I am so lucky I do have a choice – there are women with disabilities who are sterilised because the “risk” of having children is too much of a “burden” on them and their families. Anyway, I gave it a bit of thought, and I don’t really know what to think – all I know is that I may want children one day, if I meet my Prince Charming, and I don’t want people assuming that I won’t have any because of my illness. My Dad meant no offence, but if he thinks this, what do others that don’t know me as well think?

    I am sorry for the mini-blog on your blog! Thank you for the food for thought, and I wish you all the best xx

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thanks so much for sharing Carly. I’m sorry to hear of this.

      It’s a big, fat assumption. I don’t think anyone but you can make this decision. I’ve often heard you talk about people assuming you’re sunburnt. I think it comes down to not judging people or their opportunities.

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